Anne & May

haha - the finances question is so... i wanna say "funny" but it's not.

i can't believe some of the things people have told us we "need" to do with our finances - everything from 3 separate accounts - a his, a hers, a theirs - and an allowance for each, to only The Man gets to handle the finances and it all goes into one pot and he decides how much his woman gets to spend.

in the end, we went with one account and have hilariously rotated checkbook duties every couple of years (it's always accidental - we can never figure out how one was doing it, then the other takes over).

after 18 years of marriage, we've stopped asking questions about whether we're "doing it right" - apparently we are.

so what ARE you guys gonna do about that? :-)

I've thought about this before, and I definitely cannot see Scott calling to ask my father. And my dad's the kind of nonchalant, laid-back dad that would have no idea what to do if he were stuck in that situation (other than to grab a beer).

Also, the finance issue, I'll second your oy! Good luck with that one, dearie!

May, I've been waiting for you to post something that I could have some fun with. I should state, as you might have guessed, I have no interest in Bachelorette. Just not my thing. Never the less I can weigh in on bank accounts and the daughter's hand thing.
First, bank accounts. Each couple has to go with what works for them. We, Mrs. Hoot and I, go with the single account setup but she handles the finances. She is passionate about finances and I'm not. We are going on our 15th year and even with money tight it has worked.
As for 'asking for your daughter's hand'. Bless your heart May, I think you're chasing your tail on this one but you know I love you and you know I respect your point of view. I asked and it was difficult but worth it. I feel it has to do with respect and the relationship between father and daughter. Further, when you marry someone, you don't just marry them but you marry all that they are, including family. In my case it would have been disrespectful but I am in the old south. Her mom and Dad had already discussed it, they saw it coming, and were great with it. At least that is what they told me. :)
Well, there you go, I'm sure that is fodder for discussion but I feel it was the right thing to do for us. As for your father, knowing him, what you did was appropriate but to not have called would have hurt him. It would have me as well.

Hugs and kisses, Hoot

ps. Last Supper over the bed?

Ooh, I like this one too. I was really nervous that Jesse wasn't going to ask and her dad was going to be ticked. But good ol' Jesse came through.

My husband did not ask my dad for "permission" or "his blessing" or whatever you want to call it and I didn't really have a preference, though I think I lean towards the not asking.

My dad and I actually talked about it once and he said something to the effect of "If he had asked me, I would have told him that you are and have always been an independent, stubborn woman who makes up her mind herself and there's no way I could ever think to 'give' what wasn't mine to give."

I liked that. :) So my dad wasn't offended or anything and everybody was happy. Lol.

Sarah

P.S. I did walk with my dad down the aisle at our wedding, but he didn't "give me away." I gave him a hug and he sat down. It was more symbolic of him supporting me than anything else.

This reminds me of something I read a while ago. The book? article? I can't remember...said that 50 - 100 years ago, women lived in the their father's houses and literally under their father's protection until they were married. It was the father's role to protect them physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, etc. Then that protection-duty was transferred over to the husband.
Obviously, society has changed since then. The author's point was that since women are no longer living under their father's roofs/protection until they are married, they need to conciously take over that role for themselves.

So, today it makes much more sense that a man ask for the parents' blessing than for permission. And I'm with hoot - you really do marry the person's family, too.

My husband asked my parents' permission, but I was still living with them at the time AND he did it all before I knew he was even planning to propose!

I love the "asking for her hand" tradition. Love it. At my wedding we even did a take on Jewish ceremony where my father wore a white scarf and passed it over to my husband as a symbolic gesture of the exchange.

Obviously the decision was all mine in reality, but the symbolism of the asking makes me feel treasured and worth fighting for!

Oh my goodness, marriage is such a minefield. And what I believe TOTALLY contradicts itself: I'd never take my (potential) husband's name, for example (I like my name! Why doesn't he take MINE? Mine is better anyway! etc) but at the same time, I really do like the tradition of the boy asking the girl's father for his blessing, and I'd be bummed if my boyfriend didn't do that. As someone else said, it's kind of a little bit to do with respect. And not that my dad would ever say NO, but I just like the idea that the question would have been asked. I also get teary every time I think about my dad walking me down the aisle and giving me away, as well, though I think I'd go for the "her mother and I do" response when the vicar asks "who gives this woman to be wed?"

I know what I believe doesn't make sense, but it's kind of just what works for me. Which is the most important thing, I think.

Wow, wait til we have kids and people start telling us what we MUST do there, too!

I would like to continue to weigh in on this issue because I am passionate about a few things said. Anna and I agree on much, way to go Anna. I would say this, I will do my utmost to train my daughter to be self sufficient and be able to take care of herself. However, until she is, and perhaps afterward, I will be protective. I will do my best not to be overbearing but I will do my best to protect both her and for that matter my son.
It is my plan to explain to potential boyfriends that if anything happens to her while she is with him, I'm going to jail. That may cause some of you to cringe but I offer no apologies.
I agree that one day I will transfer protection of my daughter to her future husband with the understanding that if he is not good to her that I will hold him accountable.
Side note on accountability, I would NOT want to be the unfortunate guy that mistreated May. My mom and May's dad were very close growing up and a favorite family story is how my uncle(May's) dad beat the tar out of the student body president for running his mouth about a date with my mom. Mom didn't know until her 20th high school reunion.
Lastly, I recognize that I'm rather traditional on family values. I also recognize that others see things differently. That said, I believe that most people are trying to love their kids the best way they know how. No matter what the family dynamic if you are looking out for the best interest of your child then you are flexible with the needs of the child. That may include being more protective with one than the other but don't begrudge a father the privilege of being protective if the father is looking out for the best interests of the daughter.
Lastly, I would not prevent my daughter from marrying anyone she chooses and I will support her in her decisions. I don't need to agree with her on all of them but I will always support her.

Yay! A Bachelorette post - I was hoping there would be one last one!

I like the tradition. Though I guess I would err more on the 'blessing' side than the 'permission' side. I just see it as a sign of respect for all the grief that I put my parents through as they tried to turn me into something resembling a decent human being ;)

I know that times have changed and it seems slightly weird that after eight years of being completely idependent some guy should still ask my father before he asks me but to be honest I'd be really gutted if my boyfriend didn't ask for my parents' blessing before he proposed. In part because I was there when my sister's boyfriend rang and asked for her hand and I saw how chuffed my Dad was that he did that and in part because for some weird unexplainable reason I just really like the idea.

Okay next question: Is it just me or didn't anyone else feel like a voyeur in the moment when Jason got down on one knee and Deanna said "No, I can't" and the look os total devestation on his face. I felt awful watching that - like that kind of heartbreak should never be something that millions of people get to see.

I'm the same, I'm 31 years old and have been pretty independent since I was 17. Quite frankly it would just seem strange for my future husband to ask my dad for permission. But I think it's nice that your fiancee called your parents to tell them... I might steal that idea!

Hoot! You're cracking me up with that story about my dad!

People in high school were like, Why are you so good?! (No drainkin', no smokin', etc.)

I always said the same thing: My dad scares the crap out of me.

My fiance is a brave man. BUT that being said, Dad is also pretty free-thinking so if I told him why the tradition bothered me, I think he would have been like, Okay, that makes sense.

Rustypants: We've decided to do combined finances. Ultimately it seemed like more work to do separate checking accounts and I'm all for streamlining!

You know, I sort of like the idea of talking to your partner's parents, I guess I just wish it were a two-way street. Like wouldn't it be cool if I had to call his parents and be all nervous and jittery?

Very interesting stuff here. And I want all of you to know I very much understand the tradition and respect it. I just tend to overthink things. I get it from my dad, actually.

PS Hoot, you're a great dad. Your daughter is lucky to have you.

I had been on my own for eight years when I got engaged, but my husband called and asked my parents' blessing because he knew it was important to them. And, basically, because he figured it was better to offend them by showing too much respect than not enough.

My parents don't control me. Heck, they never did, even when I lived with them. Just ask them about trying to tell me what to do. They had met Wayne several times, and I knew they approved of him, and that was important to me, but it was my decision in the end. But when it came to it, it was something that my parents saw as a sign of respect, and it made them really happy, so I think Wayne did the right thing.

By the way, when Wayne called my parents, it was the night before he planned to propose and he was a nervous wreck. When my dad picked up the phone, Wayne asked if he could speak to him, and my dad put him on speakerphone so my mom could be in on the conversation too. So now the poor guy has to talk to both of parents at once. Apparently he managed to spit it out, and my mom was the one who answered, and immediately started pumping her fist and turning cartwheels.

As for the giving away at the wedding thing? We never really even discussed it. I knew that was what my parents wanted. My parents raised me selflessly. They sacrificed every day so I could have opportunities I shouldn't have been able to afford. They were paying for the wedding. I love them and care about their happiness. Even though in reality no one was making the decision except me (and Wayne i guess) I was willing to do things the way they imagined them because at the end of it I was going to get what I wanted-- to be married to Wayne-- and how we got there wasn't particularly important to me. Now, there were things, like our vows, that I was insistent about, but letting my parents be recognized for raising me? Not really worth fighting about for me.

Well said Anne, well said.

This is an issue I feel pretty passionately about. That being said, I totally understand other people having different opinions, and I respect that everyone should make their own decisions regarding their own wedding.
I specifically asked my fiance not to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. I feel that it is an archaic tradition. Even though, most fathers no longer view their daughters as "property," I believe that traditions like this subtly reinforce the idea of the inferiority of women, which is still very prevalent. My fiance didn't want to say nothing to my dad, so he told my dad that he was going to propose, but he didn't ask for permission. (I had already let my dad know my feelings, so he didn't think my fiance was a jerk. Also, we had been dating for six years, so the engagement came as no surprise.)
As far as giving away goes, I also dislike that tradition. But I love my dad and knew he really looked forward to walking me down the aisle. So he walked me down the aisle (which was very special) and then we hugged and he sat down. The preacher didn't ask "Who gives this woman?" I really like the idea of both the bride and groom walking down the aisle with both of their parents, as a symbol of appreciation for their parents' support and upbringing. However, my mom is pretty traditional and would not have enjoyed that, so I didn't push the idea, although I know she would have done whatever I wanted.
I know some people will disagree with me, and that's fine. This is just my two cents worth. Whatever your views, I think it's important to really think about your wedding ceremony and only participate in the wedding traditions that are meaningful to you.

My husband asked my dad's blessing/permission over a Monday Night Football game. Said he was all nervous about it for nothing. My dad looked at the TV the whole time and basically just said, "Divorce is not an option" and left it at that. It was talking to my MOM the next morning that scared the peejabbers out of him.

what a great topic, and since we are still having fun with it...
I liked serious/silly/me's dad's comment about how marriage is not an option. My father-in-law pulled me aside on the wedding day and made the statement 'Hoot, there is only one way out of this marriage, feet first'. I'm not kidding and neither was he. :)
Further, my wife is from the country out in the Panhandle of Florida. I know that leaving my wife is not an option because the better part of her home town would mobilize, load up the dogs, and the remaining time I had left on earth before my father-in-law's promise came true would be running for more time. ;)