The Holy Land!
Today, one of my life’s dreams was fulfilled. I got to go to the
Holy Land Experience theme park!
What’s the Hoy Land Experience, you ask? It’s basically like Disneyworld, if Disneyworld were tiny, low-budget, owned by the Trinity Broadcasting Network, and completely devoted to recreating the world as it was when Jesus walked, minus all historical accuracy. It was amazing.
I’ve been obsessed with this place for years, and this week I was in Orlando for work, so I knew I had to go. I basically arranged my schedule so I would have this afternoon free to check it out. I wasn’t really sure why anyone would come to Orlando and choose to spend one of their days here instead of one of the Disney parks or Seaworld or Universal or something, but there were plenty of people there, and I’m pretty sure all of them were better Christians than me, because no one else seemed to find the place as hilarious as I did.
I mean, for one thing you walk in and you have to go through the gift shop to get to the real attractions, which is genius/terrifying. It’s also kind of bizarre that there are random plaster animals all over the place, all of which seem to be arranged by whim and not by anyone who has any actual knowledge of the animal kingdom. I loved that the shark and the lion were friends, as were the kangaroo and the monkey, and Zaccheus, the meerkats, and the terrifyingly large butterfly. 
The shark, by the way, is part of the display where you walk through the Red Sea and get sprayed by water. 
If that wasn’t enough water for you, you could be photographed with a plaster Jesus calming the storm. 
Or you could take a look at a model of Noah’s ark, which sort of oddly resembled the loft condos springing up all over Brooklyn. My favorite part is that there were dinosaurs in the ark. 
This is the temple or something. I don’t really know what happens there.
Here’s some evidence that a gardener has too much time on his hands. 
Here’s the Ten Commandments. I’m pretty sure they’re the actual ones Moses brought down from Sinai. 
Here’s me with some random centurians or something. I didn’t really have the heart to ask them what they were supposed to be. 
Here’s me in front of the empty tomb. 
But without a doubt, the highlight of the afternoon was when Jesus came out. We were all gathered around waiting to meet the son of God at the appointed time at the right place, and then I looked up and realized he was there (it was pretty anti-climatic) and had already started posing for photographs. I wasn’t sure whether I should be disappointed that he didn’t do much of anything except provide photo ops, but I decided to just stop being cynical and get in line.
Jesus was very good with the kids, getting down on his knees and talking to them and telling him very seriously how much he loved them. It was petty sweet, really, which is why I was so surprised when it was my turn and Jesus put his arm around me and asked where I was from. I told him New York, and his response was, “I won’t hold it against you.” He then proceeded to tell me I didn’t have an accent, and I explained that I’m originally from California (I would have thought that'd be one of the things he would have known about me, like how many hairs are on my head, but oh well). He smiled, and then it was the next person’s turn. People always say meeting Jesus is going to be amazing, and I’m here to say, based on my experience today, they’re right. I can only hope that when I actually get to heaven, the conversation goes so well.
Sadly, I only had a few hours, so I didn’t get to see the collection of ancient manuscripts, and the only show I was able to take in was Praise Through the Ages, in which the performers traced the history of worship music all the way from Jesus’ time to the pinnacle that is Christian Contemporary Music. But maybe some day I’ll make it back when I have more time. Or there’s always eternity.
19 comments:
This made - my - day. Wonderful. And right smack up your alley, Anne. Tickled that you had the chance to check it out and share...
Wow...I didn't know a place like this actually existed. And in Orlando.
This is my favorite post ever. You HAVE to go to the Creation "Museum" in Kentucky or whatever the hell hick state it's in.
Please tell me you didn't spend money to go here.
hi (this is from Andrew)
sounds like jesus was hitting on you. that'd have been interesting: jesus asking for your phone number. how would you respond?
- "i thought you knew everything"
- "sorry, i don't date sons of men"
- "if you can guess how many fingers i'm holding up behind my back, i'll give you number"
- "sorry, you're a bit too WASP-y for me"
having just moved from cincinnati, i can attest to the... surreal quality of the Creation Museum (in N. Ky right across from cincy). the beauty of it is that it's from the mind of Ken Ham, so you KNOW it will be unbelievable, unreliable, and scientifically laughable before you even arrive!
but for $22 - is it worth the laugh?
Wow. Wow. wow.
THIS IS THE BEST POST EVER. Somebody call...the New York Times? Slate? Christianity Today???
You're so lucky to meet the son of God without having to go through that icky dying and stuff.
This is amazing. And I'm so sad I missed it. How much did it cost to get in? (Besides wandering around in a desert for forty years or declaring Jesus as your Lord and Savior or whatnot.)
I LOVE this post and I was laughing so hard.
I think you ladies should do a pilgrimage to all the amazingly weird Christian sites in the US. And write a book about it. You could spend a week as counselors at Jesus Camp, etc. Like a Christian Simple Life. Lol.
I have not been to the Creation museum, but I have friends who have and actually enjoyed it. They said that the theory of the Creation Museum is that Noah took dinosaurs on the ark but after the flood the atmosphere was different and they couldn't survive as long as they did before and couldn't grow as big. So lizards we have now are modern day dinosaurs.
One of the best blog posts of all time. (Some good comments, too.) I wonder if Buddhists have a theme park?
Did HLE have any thrill rides?
"I think you ladies should do a pilgrimage to all the amazingly weird Christian sites in the US. And write a book about it."
I totally agree! What a wonderful idea. Christian Kitsch: An American Pilgrimage by Anne Dayton and May Vanderbilt. Something along those lines...
As much as I would love to do a book on Christian kitsch, there are already a couple of them out there. I suppose we would present an interesting take on them, but who knows.
The park costs (get ready) $35 to get in! BUT I got in free because the convention I was at was giving away free tickets. I would have paid, but I was super excited to be able to get in free. I was also totally shocked to see how many people had actually paid to be there.
Sadly, no thrill rides. But I suppose getting to meet Jesus is the biggest thrill out there, right?
I kind of wanted to ask Jesus if he wanted to go get a beer, but I restrained myself.
This post is great! I always get a laugh from your blog. Thank you.
Were the 12 disicples walking around? Sort of like Snow White and the dwarves...
When you come to Dollywood you can check out the Miracle theater! www.miracletheater.com
It's an "epic musical production about the life of Christ featuring a cast of more than 100 actors, singers, and dancers, along with live animals!!"
Oh my goodness. This is too amazing!
I'm not sure what I would have wanted to do first.
And how perfect that you didn't know Jesus had arrived and he had kind of sneaked in amongst everyone. That's how it really was, right?
I wonder if He has to deal with the paparazzi, always snapping his picture when he just wants to go to Starbucks in peace. Or to Long John Silvers for a few fish and some bread.
Love this post!
Oh. My. I have no words...wow. Wow.
Anne
Sounds like you were really looking forward to going. Also sounds like you were a little disappointed. I wish you could have gone prior to TBN, and the arrival of plastic animals, glitzy dancers fake gold and the commercialization of Christ. It truely was a Holy Land Experience at one time, taking you back to the real time of the Bible with authentic people and TRUE spirit of love felt. Sorry you never made it sooner.
Wow...it's so sad to see what it's become. I used to work there. It really did used to be historically accurate and SO much better. It used to teach, inspire, and encourage...I don't see much of that happening if you're too distracted from plastic animals that don't belong. It used to really speak to people's hearts before TBN began "redecorating." Sorry you weren't able to see it before TBN took over. God bless!
YEAH! You made it to the Holy Land!
Love this! I told my friends about the theme park and we all want to go sometime. Definitely sounds worth the trip.
If you're doing a tour to see all the fun/weird Christian tourist attractions out there, check out this place: http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/2613
It's the world's largest ten commandments. I've been before... they're pretty big!
That is soooo great!!! I love this-- I love that you went there and I love the pictures.
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